Note: I contacted McAndrew's ghostwriter to have them take care of this update, but had to decline their asking price of three elephant tugs and a Houdini (and that's after I'd talked them down from the original price). A man's gotta have standards. Sadly, you're stuck with me this week.

Vince Young: Expert on impaired brain function

Seriously, Eagles? I don't think they could have shit the bed harder if they'd filled the Gatorade coolers with Exlax. Nnamdi Asomugahwahgwahghhwhgh? Garbage. Ronnie Brown? Fumble-spiked the ball like he was Jeff Nilsen with a burrito. Mike Vick? Terrible, probably still concussed from two weeks prior. I wish I'd seen this article before I picked them last weekend. Yep, they had Vince Young monitoring Vick for concussion symptoms, and they came away with this neat little zinger:

"We’ll defer comment on the wisdom of asking a guy with a single-digit Wonderlic score to monitor the functioning of someone else’s brain."

16 minutes and Ben's already reaching for a length of rope

Um, you know what's more damning than a low Wonderlic score? Being the guy who was so terrible and depressed they had to call his coach to help find him because he was hysterical and suicidal, like Ben Clark after a 15-minute lapse in responding to a text. Please, put that guy in charge of Vick's health.

Devoted animal rapist...

...with tiny, tiny hands. The bastard.

Well in any case, Vince's Dream Team cost me, Zahler, and Neil strikes this week. And it hurts. Bobby emailed and texted how pumped he was about finding out who picked the Eagles against his Niners, so I know he was peeing or shitting on something out of sheer joy at the idea (Bonus quote from McAndrew: "My last image of my wedding reception was when we pulled out of the parking lot and saw Bobby--dong in hand--pissing in public with a fat stogie in his mouth"). But even worse is knowing that Alex Smith is the queerbait who cost us the week.

Speaking of queerbaits--anybody catch Curtis Painter in his postgame interview? If Kurt Cobain and Tobey Maguire had a son and that son loved getting rammed by dudes, you would have...well, this guy.

Ready to stuff his hands back under Jeff Saturday

Enough pictures of effeminate men--now, to the picks!

Quick Recap

23 people are still partying
13 people have a strike against them
10 people are flawless
1 person forgot to pick this week (Purcell)
4 people got a strike this week
3 people are F'in Out!

Picks of the Week

Paul Wilson and Drew Millar. Not because their picks were terribly original or ballsy but because when we were all in Abe's apartment at 3 am after McAndrew's wedding, I asked if they'd sent me their picks. They realized they hadn't, picked up their phones, drunkenly explained to me all their rationale for their picks, and then promptly texted those picks to...McAndrew. So here's to you, gentlemen; you can make winning picks while completely drunk off your ass and sending them to the wrong person while the right person was in the room with you. Take those skills to Vegas--only good things will happen!

Worst Pick of the Week

Kevin Clarke. Of all the weeks to jump on the Ryan Fitzpatrick, World Beater (Praised be His Name) and Co. bandwagon, you picked the wrong one. In a matchup that pitted the Bills' then-no. 1 offense (yes, really) against the Bengals' currently no. 1 defense (yes, really), Kevin chose the bigger loser, falling to a soulless ginger QB and paddling off into the sunset and out of this year's pool for good. Which brings us to...

F'in Out!

Goodbye Kevin, we'll miss all the good times we had together. I'll personally never forget your charming smile, or the way you flat-backed Phil in last year's Holiday Bowl so that he immediately began plotting your violent murder under the lights during this year's game. Have sympathy not for the man, but for his football team. The Vikings finally got rid of Brett Favre's corpse, tricked Seattle into signing Tarvaris Jackson, drafted a QB in the first round, traded for Donovan McNabb and yet still somehow ended up with...pretty much Tarvaris Jackson again. And now Kevin's got them for the rest of a long, long season and no more pool boys to party with. Only two words left for you, man:

Name	Pick	Standing	Position
Paul Andrews	Packers	Win
Marcus Arnold	Bucs	Win
Phil Barry	Bears	Win
Paul Barth	Bucs	Win	1 Strike
Justin Belding	Bears	Win	1 Strike
Joe Church	Bucs	Win
Ben Clark	Packers	Win	1 Strike
Kevin Clark	Bills	Loss	F'in Out
Sam Finley	Falcons	Win
Dan Fitzpatrick	Eagles	Loss	1 Strike
John Galmiche	Bucs	Win	1 Strike
Nick "Hollywood" Heinrichs	Packers	Win	1 Strike
Neil Jubitz	Eagles	Loss	1 Strike
Pat Kelly	Saints	Win
Nick Lamb	Bucs	Win
Ryan McAndrew	Bucs	Win
Drew Millar	Bears	Win	1 Strike
Matt Nichols			F'in Out!
Bobby Philbrook	Bears	Win	1 Strike
Ryan Purcell	Ravens (no pick)	Win
Kyle Shultz	Bears	Win	1 Strike
Dan Stone	Bucs	Win	1 Strike
Trent Striplin	Bucs	Win
Erik Weiss			F'in Out
Paul Wilson	Saints	Win	1 Strike
Michael Zahler	Eagles	Loss	1 Strike

Notes for next week:
--Bobby Philbrook will be your stand-in Poolmaster next week. Please send all picks to him at robert.philbrook@gmail.com or text them to 503-998-5979. Kudos to Phil for already sending me his pick; I've forwarded it to Bobby.
--I'm here in Detroit tonight, home of the currently undefeated Lions. Too bad the city is trying to screw everything up for them.
--Don't pick the Raiders, ever, for anything. I hate the Raiders like they were a team of 53 Jay Cutlers (which is a lot of missing chins and flapping vaginas). I hope their team dies of veneral disease, or even worse, moves to Los Angeles. Oakland fans buy tickets to a gangfight in the hopes a Raiders game will break out. And I will always hate a team run by the undead monster that is Al Davis:

Whoops, that's not it...

Dangit! One more try here annnd...

Holy SHIT, that's actually him?!?!

--Lastly, congrats to Ryan and Kyle for getting hitched last weekend. To women, not each other.
--Thanks to nearly everyone for getting their picks in, hope you enjoyed the update, and cheers to this week and Bobby's temporary reign as poolmaster!